The 5 self-love languages: How to speak kindness to yourself
The topic of love languages in relationships is being discussed by everyone. What no one teaches you, though, is how to talk to yourself.
You must learn the language of self-love before you can love anyone else completely. Additionally, everyone's manifestation of self-love is unique, much like romantic love languages.
What are the languages of self-love?
Gary Chapman's framework, "The Five Love Languages" words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. Helps us comprehend how we give and receive love in relationships.
However, what about the relationship you have with yourself?
The same five categories are known as self-love languages. When you speak your own love language, self-care stops feeling performative and starts feeling more genuine.
Words of affirmation (to yourself)
Speaking kindly to yourself through internal dialogue and affirmations that acknowledge reality, not just toxic positivity.
How to practice it
Instead of saying "I'm amazing!" since your brain won't believe it if you're struggling, try replacing this with:
"I'm learning."
"I'm doing my best with what I have."
"I'm allowed to change my mind."
"Progress, not perfection."
"I'm worthy of rest."
Real affirmations help you change your thinking in a more positive way while also assisting you in understanding where you are at the moment. Truth is more easily absorbed by your brain than artificial optimism.
Quality time (with yourself)
Giving yourself undivided attention without distractions, obligations, or feeling guilty.
How to put it into practice
Although bubble baths are fine, they are not the only way to spend quality time. It's implementing:
Morning coffee without your phone (even 10 minutes)
Solo walks while you truly think (without listening to podcasts)
An hour doing something purely for enjoyment (reading, drawing, cooking)
Journaling with intention (not just to-do lists)
The best gift you can give yourself is to live in the moment. "I matter enough to have my own attention" is what you're saying when you give yourself quality time.
Acts of service (for yourself)
Doing small things today that make life easier for you tomorrow. Not just making yourself comfortable now but actually helping your future self.
How to put it into practice
Think about your future self as someone you really care about. What would you do to make their day easier?
Prep your meals on Sunday so Monday feels lighter
Laying out tomorrow's outfit so morning you saves 10 minutes
Book the doctor’s appointment you’ve been putting off
Say no to plans that leave you drained
Acts of service reduce stress, and they remove small pressures as every small act of preparation is an act of love for yourself.
Gifts (to yourself)
Investing in yourself, not indulging but genuinely giving yourself what you need to grow or heal.
How to put it into practice
A meaningful gift doesn’t have to be expensive. It just needs intention.
The book you’ve been curious about
The online course that challenges you
Therapy sessions that help you unpack and reset
A museum membership or experience you’ll enjoy
Quality ingredients for a recipe you’ve wanted to try
When you invest in yourself, you’re saying: “I am worth the time, the effort, and the money it takes to grow.” And that mindset changes everything.
Physical touch (self-version)
Treating your body with kindness, and care, not punishment disguised as "wellness."
How to put it into practice
Your body deserves the same care you'd give someone you love:
Stretch when you wake up
Rest when you’re tired instead of pushing through
Moving in ways that feel good (dance, walk, yoga not punishment workouts)
Eat when you’re hungry without guilt
When you listen to your body, you build trust with it. Physical self-love is about responding to your needs early, not waiting until burnout, illness, or exhaustion forces you to stop.
Woman practicing self-care and self-love while journaling by the window
How to discover your primary self-love language
Just like in relationships, you likely have one or two primary self-love languages. Here's how to find yours:
Ask yourself:
What makes you feel most cared for? (When someone does this for you, you feel loved)
What do you complain about most? (Often what you lack is what you need most)
How did you feel loved as a child? (Our early patterns often carry forward)
When you're stressed, what do you crave? (Your body knows what it needs)
Put the languages to a test:
Try each language intentionally for one week and pay attention to which one makes you feel most grounded, most yourself and most peaceful.
Once you figure out which one makes you feel all three, that's your primary self-love language.
Common mistakes in practicing self-love
1. Confusing self-love with self-indulgence
Self-love isn't always comfortable but sometimes it's:
Having the hard conversation
Setting the difficult boundary
Choosing therapy over retail therapy
Resting instead of pushing through
2. Treating it like a checklist
Self-love isn't about doing all five languages every day, but it's about knowing what YOU need and doing that consistently.
3. Only practicing when you "deserve" it
You don't earn self-love through productivity. It's not a reward; it's a foundation for yourself.
4. Expecting it to look like social media
Real self-love is often unglamorous: crying in therapy, canceling plans to rest, eating the sandwich at your desk because you actually fed yourself.
The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. Learn to speak your self-love language fluently.
The most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself. Self-love isn't selfish; it sets the tone for every other relationship in your life.
Start with one language and practice it imperfectly as you build from there.
What's your self-love language?
We'd love to hear from you:
What's your primary self-love language?
Which practice resonates most?
What does self-love look like in your daily life?
Join the conversation: Share this article with someone who needs the reminder and tag us on Instagram @kadeculture with your self-love language.
